Wondering through the aisles of Walmart in search of "who knows what", I often find myself among the magazines. I guess I would have to say that this is my favorite place in Walmart. I tend to gravitate there. I LOVE their large selection of magazines and the wonderful variety of books they present. I can stand there for half an hour(ok, an hour and a half) perusing every cover of every magazine that catches my eye. I browse through each one and stop when something beautiful catches my eye or a title draws me in. Sometimes I stand there so long that I forget why I came into Walmart. LOL. I think that's the point.

Upon one of my recent visits to the magazine aisle, I ran across a title of an audio book that caught my eye. I was literally running by as I only had a few seconds to browse! The title of the book was Women Food and God and it had a pretty blue cover so I bought it. What the heck, the title was catchy and the cover was pretty. And...I have been a sucker for books on weight loss since I turned forty!

I left Walmart upon finding my other necessities and tossed the bag into the back of the car as I hurried on to my next task. The following day I noticed the bag in the back of the car and took out the audio book. Eager to listen to it, I put it in the cd player and was immediately entranced! The author began to talk about our relationship with food. She said "our relationship to food is an exact microcosm of our relationship to life itself". WHAT?

She went on to say that "we are walking, talking expressions of our deepest convictions; everything we believe about love, fear, transformation and God is revealed in how, when and what we eat." Seriously? Ok, I had to keep listening! 

I thought about the times I had noticed that I was eating when I wasn't hungry or eating when I was anxious or angry. But, I never thought that it was anything more than just that. To think that everything I believed about love, fear, transformation and God could be revealed in how, when and what I was eating? She had me hook, line and sinker!

Since I turned forty, my weight had changed from a nice 125 lbs to a not so nice 150 lbs. Not that I am overweight by others standards, just my own. I have even been told that I have nothing to be complaining about as I am smaller than alot of Moms at my age, etc. etc. Ok, ok, probably true, but, nonetheless, I am miserable with myself and I am obsessed with dieting and finding the right way to lose the weight and look like I used to at thirty! It feels like a losing battle. Well, at least, a very frustrating battle as I have managed to lose inches and gain great muscle tone with my efforts in weight training but have only lost a few pounds and gradually gained them back as my eating patterns returned to my old habits. Coincidentally, I have also noticed that I am more anxious than I have ever been in my life. I am dealing with so many emotions on so many levels. Could it be as simple as my eating habits being directly related to my emotions?  I'm listening...

The author says "If we are interested in finding out what we actually believe--not what we think, not what we say, but what our souls are convinced is the bottom-line truth about life and afterlife--we need look no further than the food on our plate".  WOW. Can she be right?

I think she is. I know she is. The more I listened, the more I began to see that my eating habits were not about food at all. In fact, I noticed that the very times when I was overeating were the times that I was the most stressed, anxious, tired, frustrated, forgotten, unappreciated, disrespected. And there were many times that I could remember eating when I felt lonely or afraid. I would grab some popcorn or ice cream or both! And would feel better...at least for a few minutes until the reason I was afraid, stressed or anxious came rushing back. Then, I would go to the kitchen again in search of something else to take my mind off of whatever it was that I was trying to forget or subconsciously push away. The problem with this is that the fear or feeling of being unappreciated or whatever it is that is subconsciously haunting me still exits after the food is gone! I am still hungry...just not for food. Now, I am seeing an end to my weight problem.

I found it interesting that she believes as children we learn to close ourselves off to pain. We learn to separate ourselves from hurtful, scary, otherwise uncomfortable situations. We withdraw and build walls to protect ourselves. She believes that at some point in our lives we have turned to food for comfort in an effort to sooth and/or protect our souls. Transported back to my childhood, I totally get this.

As a child, I learned to suppress my feelings and fears in an effort to protect myself. I learned to block out what was uncomfortable and stressful. I learned that by being good I didn't create additional conflict. The very emotions that I learned to suppress, ignore and dismiss are the very reasons that I overeat today. As an adult, when I am anxious or afraid or alone, I reach for something that comforts me, like ice cream, rather than dealing with whatever it is that is making me feel this way. The solution to ending this vicious cycle is allowing myself to feel the anxiety rather than covering it up with ice cream. I can no longer run from my emotions. Gaining and consequently, losing too much weight via a restrictive eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia, are direct results of emotions that are out of control and/or pushed aside.

Upon finishing the series, I am convinced that this is book may just be the answer I have been looking for. Over the past few days, I have tried with much success to hit my emotions head on. To allow myself to feel my emotions rather than suppress them. To eliminate the voice of my childhood that harms me in an effort to protect and soothe my soul. I am a grown up now and I do not need to rely on Hostess Twinkies to deal with my emotions.

Now...I can eat Hostess Twinkies because I like Hostess Twinkies and will have them in place of dinner if I so choose. I eat when I am hungry to feed my body as God intended. I feed my soul with respect for my emotions and allow myself to feel when I need to feel, hide when I need to hide, cry when I need to cry and laugh when I feel joy. Most importantly, I do not apologize for any of it. Emotions are a gift and a gentle cleansing if we allow them to be so.

Look at your plate. What is really on it?

Women Food and God by Geneen Roth  A truly amazing reality, go get yourself a copy!