Why are there so many frustrations in our lives? Just when we get used to the way things are, they change. Just when we think we have things under control, we dont. And just when we think we are finished with something, we see that we are not.

If I could just take a perfect day and keep it, make it the model for the rest. The day when everything goes according to plan, our hair looks great, the jeans are loose, the house feels clean and tidy and the family is content. Is it too much to ask for a few more of those?

I think by God's design our lives are not all good days. It just wouldnt be challenging enough for us to learn anything. And learn we must to become better human beings, better parents, better friends. And if our hair always looked good and the jeans were never tight, we wouldn't appreciate our body and the hard work it takes to make it look that way.

I know all of this, but, still I am tired of the fight to look good. It used to be effortless. Prior to forty pretty much everything was effortless if I am honest. What happens to us at forty? Really? I am stumped and I am more frustrated than I have ever been. I am not one to complain, I am generally happy, but, lately, I just cant find anything that I am happy with and I think it's mostly because I am fighting those stubborn fifteen pounds, the same ones I have been fighting for two years. It's just not a fair fight. I dont have the time, the energy or the "want to" to get the pounds off. I have never had to really work at it and I dont like the fact that the only way to tackle the unwanted pounds is to spend hours in the gym every week and starve myself. It's soooo extreme. I dont like anything extreme. I like simple things done in simple time. I like calm, orderly things and I dont like to be rushed. I go to great lengths to make my plans for the week and working out three to four times a week for an hour and a half at a time just doesnt work for me. It just doesnt leave anytime for me to complete the tasks on my list.

As a full-time Mom, my time is very limited. After getting the kids off to school at eight, then showering and getting organized for the day, sometimes it can be 10:30 or 11:00 before I know it. Then off to run the thousands of errands for everyone in my house, and picking up samples and materials for the lakehouse remodel, groceries for dinner, etc., and all of a sudden it's 3:30 and time to pick up kids! There is no time to work out! Not without leaving something out and having everyone in the family wonder why there stuff isnt done!

A year and a half ago I was totally selfish in my pursuit of the perfect, skinny me. I was working out three to fours day a week with a trainor for an hour and running six miles a week. Eating lean was "no effort" because I was on that high that we get from working out all the time. It is a great feeling...why do we let ourselves let it go? The routine was working well and I was in such great shape. I looked awesome and was so proud of myself. I could look in the mirror and smile back at me.

Enter the kidney stone and a three week battle of getting rid of it. Two surgeries later, I was finally on the mend. But, by the time I felt better and was getting my strength back, it had been three months and I was totally out of the mood to work out. It has been a landslide ever since and that is why I am so fed up today. I have just had it. I cannot work that hard again to have everything fall apart with so little changing except lack of exercise. I mean seriously, who can work out three to four times a week and eat like a bird forever????? It just isnt real. Not to mention the $$$$ it costs to have a trainor...geez, it's a car payment!

I have decided that that whole package, even as great as I looked was not realistic. Especially when I was only off for three months and nothing stayed where I had put it with the weights. So, what now....I dont know...I am just at witts end. I am continuing to eat what I want, like I have done my whole life, only now it doesnt just flush through my system, it sticks in all the wrong places and I hate it. I am angry about how hard it is to lose weight and angry about how impossible the routine must be to keep it off. I have planted my feet...I am angry and refused to submit to the idea of all the extra work that is needed. I simply dont want to do it and I dont feel like it is fair that I have to...it should get easier not harder after all we do for everyone else. Someone should be taking care of me...